Control. I have control issues. There I said it. I've heard it said that the first step to overcoming a problem is to admit you have a problem. Well, I've admitted it so now what?
Last week I met my breaking point. I showed a part of myself I never wanted to show. An ugly, got to have it my way, uncontrolled, emotional part of me I never knew existed made herself known. And I am beating myself up over it.
This temper tantrum stemmed from the stress and pressure I feel over trying to get everything in order before I have surgery in 2 weeks. When my surgery was scheduled several weeks ago I made a to-do list. At the time I thought I would have no problems getting everything done. Now, I'm not so sure. I want everything to be perfect for Jeff and the kids while I am recovering.
But, last week while I was wallowing in my self-pity. I realized something. I am terrified of having surgery. I'm trying to act like its no big deal and that I can handle it but I'm scared. I'm not afraid of dieing or anything like that. I'm afraid of being vulnerable and needing someone to do things for me. The nurse in me likes taking care of other people, not being taken care of.
I'm afraid of turning things over to someone else. I'm afraid that when Jeff has to do everything I do plus his responsibilities that he'll be able to do it with no problem & make me look like the big fool who can't juggle the normal activities of life.
As I spent some quiet, calm time with God later that night I remembered my life verse. "Be Still & Know I Am God" Psalm 46:10. Turn my stress & worry over to Him and He will calm my spirit and ease my worry.
As I prayed and turned it all over to God I remembered in Genesis 2:18 where God said, "It's not good for the Man to be alone; I'll make him a helper, a companion." God gave Eve to Adam to help him. Not only am I here to help Jeff, but he is here to help me. We are companions. We do life together. When Jeff has been ill I have stepped up and taken over more responsibility in the house. Now its time for me to let Jeff take care of me and take over more responsibility in the daily running of the house and family.
- We are not in competition.
- We both bring needed attributes to our family.
- By taking over my daily tasks Jeff will gain more appreciation for things I do that make things run smoothly around here.
In His Calm,
Mary
This is such a good reminder, Mary.My Jeff is going to "cover" for me while I'm away ministering in Asia at the end of May. I know he won't do it "just like I do," but the family will get to appreciate him in new ways, and they'll probably appreciate me in new ways too. ;) I will be praying for you as you have surgery. I've got it on my calendar. I know that the Lord will give you His peace as you try to "be still and know."
ReplyDeleteI too am a control freak ... I have a hard time giving control over to God, let alone my husband ... it's one of the things I have to work on!! often!!
ReplyDeleteOne thing my husband & I do well together is the every day. He's a morning person so he gets the kids up & ready for the day (school, lunches, etc). At night, I jump in and do homework and bedtime routine. Works for us!
Thank you Julie! It is a blessing to have a husband who is supportive of your ministry. I will be praying for your ministering opportunity in Asia.
ReplyDelete- Mary
Conny - It sounds like you and your husband are a very good team. Isn't it wonderful how God gives us a husband we can be teammates with.
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