Overcoming Silent Treatments & Explosive Tendencies

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Ephesians 4:29-31

What is your communication style? What is your husband's communication style? When the two of you have a disagreement how do you handle it? Do you...

• give each other the silent treatment not saying a word to each other until things finally blow over
• explode into a flurry of anger making things worse
• discuss the issue in a calm, loving manner

I wish the latter of the list above was as easy as it sounds but, we are human and humans don't always handle things the right way. When two people who love each other marry and begin to make a life together each person brings his or her own communication style into the marriage. That communication style can be affected by temperament as well as the way communication was handled growing up.

For example, in Jeff's family disagreements were handled with the silent treatment. If someone was hurt by another member of the family it wasn't discussed. The two parties didn't speak to each other until they "got over it". In my family disagreements usually meant there was a lot of yelling and "unwholesome" words. Neither of these experiences gave me and Jeff good examples of communication. 

Very early on in our relationship we realized we needed to work on our communication skills. We have come a long way from the examples we had growing up but, we are still a work in progress. In working on our communication skills I have seen how Jeff's "silent treatment" has helped my "explosive" tendencies. 

When Jeff retreats it gives me time to cool down. I don't speak the unkind words that may initially come to mind.  

Proverbs 15:28 "The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things." 

I take the issue to God. I pray and work it out with God first. There have been times when God has corrected me and other times when He has given me a receptive heart to listen to Jeff. 

Once I have had time to cool down I go to Jeff and we talk about it. When Jeff has had his space and I am able to speak words that show grace & love to Jeff he is willing to open up and talk. This leads us to the process of being able to resolve the issue.

Ephesians 4:26 says, "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger."

Many people would say that means you shouldn't go to bed angry. Too often when we have disagreements with our spouses we don't deal with the issues completely. Paul is telling us in this verse we need to handle the issues we have with our spouse. If we don't, the hurt and pain will fester and grow giving Satan room to move in between us and our husband. 

Is there unresolved hurt, anger, or bitterness between you and your husband? How can you and your husband work on your communication skills? I have listed a few verses below that might help you. 

Please let me know how I can pray for you. On Wed I will be having surgery. The recovery period will be roughly 6 to 8 weeks. During that time I will have plenty of time to pray for you. For the next 3 weeks I will have guest posts from people who are very special to me. Please make sure to come back for each one.

Proverbs 15:1 " A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs of anger."

Proverbs 18:13 "He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him."

Colossians 4:6 "Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person."

James 1:19-20 "This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God."

In His Calm,

Mary